Updates from aanshu RSS
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03:14:33 सकाळी on जून 11, 2008 |
1. DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according
to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada
sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you
are doing well financially and therefore you do not
need a raise.2. SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you
are able to come to work.3. SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an
employee here, you need all your organs. You should
not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.4. PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays and Sundays.5. VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time
every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1,
July 4, and December 25.6. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for deceased friends, relatives, or co-workers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend
to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled
in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to
work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
hour early, provided your work is done.7. OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require
at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train
your own replacement.8. RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
In the future, we will follow the practice of going once
each day, in alphabetical order.
For instance, all employees whose names begin with ‘A’
will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin
with ‘B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you’re
unable to go at your allotted time, it will be
necessary to wait until the next day when your turn
comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may
swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’
supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time
limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will
retract, and the stall door will open.9. LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to
eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size
people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance
meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people
get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the
time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
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03:07:46 सकाळी on जून 7, 2008 |
Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers and reverends in
training.Among the facilitators were many well-known motivational speakers. One such
speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd’s
attention, said, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a
woman who wasn’t my wife!”The crowd was shocked!
He followed up by saying, “That woman was my mother!”
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well
received.About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar
decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit
one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit
foggy to him.Getting to the microphone he said loudly, “The greatest years of my life
were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!”His congregation sat shocked, murmuring.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half
of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out “…and I can’t remember who she
was!”*********
Moral of the story: Don’t copy if you can’t
paste
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09:31:27 सकाळी on जून 2, 2008 |
Best Break – Off letter A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows: Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky……. ……. ******* The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope…. along with this note: Dear Becky, I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remember who the hell you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take Care, Ricky
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08:52:02 सकाळी on जून 2, 2008 |
A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby
bar to use the vending machine.At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up
in her apartment.After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, “Oh no, its so
late, my wife’s going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?”She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and
then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. “Where
the hell have you been?”“Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they
were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this
great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to
another and I ended up in bed with her.”“Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!” She sees his hands are covered with powder
and… “You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!”
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11:27:47 सकाळी on मे 27, 2008 |
A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed.As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation.They talked about so many things and various subjects. When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: “I don’t believe that God exists.”“Why do you say that?”asked the customer.“Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn’t exist.Tell me, if God exists,would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can’t imagine loving a God who would allow all of these things.”The customer thought for a moment, but didn’t respond because he didn’t want to start an argument.The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and un-kept.The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: “You know what? Barbers do not exist.”“How can you say that?”asked the surprised barber. “I am here, and I am a barber.And I just worked on you!”“No!” the customer exclaimed. “Barbers don’t exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside.”“Ah, but barbers DO exist! What happens is, people do not come to me.”“Exactly!”- affirmed the customer. “That’s the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens, is, people don’t go to Him and do not look for Him. That’s why there’s so much pain and suffering in the world.”
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05:12:43 सकाळी on मे 17, 2008 |
1. Everything you eat is savored in garlic, onion and tomatoes.
2. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminium foil.
3. You are Always standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the Airport.
4. You arrive one or two hours late to a party – and think it’s normal.
5. You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to stamp.
6. You recycle Wedding Gifts , Birthday Gifts and Anniversary Gifts.
7. You name your children in rhythms (example, Sita & Gita, Ram & Shyam, Kamini & Shamini.)
8. All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere close to their real names.
9. You take Indian snacks anywhere it says “No Food Allowed”
10. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone’s house.
11. You load up the family car with as many people as possible.
http://www.spicyflavours.net/index.cgi?board=generalboard&action=display&thread=1156145535
12. You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it’s the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch.
13. Your parents tell you not to care what your friends think, but they won’t let you do certain things because of what the other “Uncles and Aunties” will think.
14. You buy and display crockery, which is never used , as it is for special occasions, which never happen.
15. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen
table.
16. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
17. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as possible.
18. Your kitchen shelf is full of jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils (got free with purchase of other stuff )
19. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes).
20. You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker.
21. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
22. You live with your parents and you are 40 years old. ( And they prefer it that way).
23. You don’t use measuring cups when cooking.
24. You never learnt how to stand in a queue.
25. You can only travel if there are 5 persons at least to see you off or receive you whether you are travelling by bus, train or plane.
26. If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose daughter has run with whose son and feel proud to spread it at the velocity of more than the speed of light.
27. You only make long distance calls after 11 p.m.
28. If you don’t live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you’ve eaten, even if it’s midnight .
29. You call an older person you never met before Uncle or Aunty.”
30. When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few
minutes, you discover you’re talking to a distant cousin.
31. Your parents don’t realize phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making foreign calls.
32. You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them from getting dirty.
33. It’s embarrassing if your wedding has less than 600 people.
34. All your Tupperware is stained with food color.
35. You have drinking glasses made of steel.
36. You have mastered the art of bargaining in shopping.
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07:00:46 pm on मे 15, 2008 |
Computer one-liners
A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.
A computer’s attention span is as long as its power cord.
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren’t broken.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Air conditioned environment – Do NOT open Windows!
All computers wait at the same speed.
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Willyoupleasehelpmefixmykeyboard?Thespacebarisbroken!
All you need to know is the user interface.
Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for “doesn’t work.”
Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
Any program that runs right is obsolete.
A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?
A program is never finished until the programmer dies.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
A user friendly computer first requires a friendly user.
A user will find any interface design intuitive…with enough practice.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat [Y/N]?
Be aware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
Best file compression around: “DEL *.*” = 100% compression
Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it’s released. Beta is Latin for “still doesn’t work.”
Bug? That’s not a bug, that’s a feature.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.
Buy a Pentium IV 2GHz so you can reboot faster.
Cannot load Windows 95, Incorrect DOS Version.
COFFEE.EXE Missing—Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.
Computer analyst to programmer: “You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.”
Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
Computer programmers don’t byte, they nibble a bit.
Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you’d have to do without them.
Computers are like air-conditioners: both stop working, if you open windows.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Computers can never replace human stupidity.
Computer Science: solving today’s problems tomorrow.
Computers follow your orders, not your intentions.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Crashing is the only thing windows does quickly.
Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?
Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Don’t compute and drive; the life you save may be your own.
Don’t document the program; program the document.
Don’t hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
Don’t let the computer bugs bite!
DOS=HIGH? I knew it was on something!
DOS Tip #1: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
DOS Tip #2: Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Email returned to sender — insufficient voltage.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
Error:015: Unable to exit Windows. Try the door.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I…
Every bug you find is the last one.
Every time I type ‘win’, I loose …
Excuse me for butting in, but I’m interrupt-driven.
Failure is not an option, it comes bundled with the software.
…..File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
For any problem there is a solution that is simple, quick, and ultimately worse than the problem.
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Hi, my name is Any Key. Please don’t hit me!
Hiroshima..45……..Tjernobil..86……..Windows..95….
Hit any user to continue.
Home is where the computer is plugged in.
How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file…
I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0.
If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
I finally made my stupid computer faster; I dropped it out of the window, and it went really fast.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost $100, get a million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
If your computer says, “Printer out of Paper,” this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the “OK” button.
I have a dream: 1073741824 bytes free.
I haven’t lost my mind; it’s backed up on tape somewhere.
I hit the CTRL key but I’m still not in control!
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would take many men many months to equal it.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking.
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
It said “Insert disk 3…” but only 2 fit.
It’s not a bug; it’s an undocumented feature.
It works! Now if only I could remember what I did…
I wish life has a scroll back buffer.
Keyboard : Instrument used to enter errors into computer.
Keyboard not connected, press F1 to continue.
MACINTOSH stands for Most Applications Crash If Not The Operating System Hangs.
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can’t be fixed…
Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(ln(13e))]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]
Melted fruit snacks found on Keyboard. Delete nephew [Y/N]?
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software is Only for Fools and Teenagers.
Mommy! The cursor’s winking at me!
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Never say “OOPS!” always say “Ah, Interesting!”
No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
Of course I know how to copy disks. Where’s the xerox machine?
One person’s error is another person’s data.
One picture is worth 128K words.
Operator! Trace this call and tell me where I am.
Owners of digital watches: Your day’s are numbered!
Oxymoron: Microsoft Works.
Press any key…no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…
Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue….
Programmers don’t die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Programmer’s Time-Space Continuum: Programmers continuously space the time.
RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure.
Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
Scheduled Release Date: A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.
Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
Southern DOS: Y’all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Speed Kills! Use Windows 95.
System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing.
The box said: ‘install on Windows 95, NT 4.0 or better’. So I installed it on Linux.
The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
The name is Baud……, James Baud.
The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.
The programmer’s national anthem is ‘AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH’.
The Queue Principle: The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.
There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.
There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.
There can never be a computer language in which you cannot write a bad program.
There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple.
These settings will have no effect until you restart the system.
Reset Universe (Y/N) ?
Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK!
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
User error: replace user and press any key to continue.
Warning, keyboard not found. Press Enter to continue.
What boots up must come down.
Who’s General Failure and why’s he reading my disk?
Why doesn’t DOS ever say “EXCELLENT command or filename!”
Why do they call this a word processor? It’s simple, … you’ve seen what food processors do to food, right?
Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Windows 3.1 not found: (C)heer, (P)arty, (D)ance?
Windows is NOT a virus. Viruses DO something.
WINDOWS stands for Will Install Needless Data On Whole System.
Windows: the ultimate triumph of marketing over technology.
You are making progress if each mistake is a new one.
You don’t have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.
You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you’ll need that version.
You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.
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05:44:17 pm on मे 15, 2008 |
Today i goes to interview at AGS infotech.
there is requirement of windows admin where i have experiance in linux, totally wastage of my time. but i ennjoy time it is nice interview in term of time pass ha ha ha.
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11:05:11 सकाळी on मे 10, 2008 |
aansh enjoying the sea, just run to deep
This photo taken in our bus, in which we travel to goa
but aansh never like this light. so he always try to pluck this light
hay i am thisty
he like the pool, he is not ready to go away
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03:06:51 सकाळी on मे 7, 2008 |
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat
belt!”***********
2) OPINIONSOn the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from
his mother.The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily
those of his parents.”***********
3) KETCHUPA woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
<http://funlok.com/index.php/humor/innocent-questions.html>During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to
answer the phone. “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now.
She’s hitting the bottle.”***********
4) MORE NUDITYA little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker
room.When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover.The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter,
haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”***********
5) POLICE # 1While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my
uniform,she asked, “Are you a cop?” Yes,” I answered and continued writing the
report. “My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is
that right? “Yes, that’s right,” I told her. “Well, then,” she said as she
extended her foot toward me, “would you please tie my shoe?”***********
6) POLICE # 2It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment,my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me
“Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked. “It sure is,” I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally
he said,” What’d he do?”***********
7) ELDERLYWhile working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely
turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”***********
DRESS-UPA little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.”“And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the
next morning.”***********
9) DEATHWhile walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently,
his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small
box and cotton batting , then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of
the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers
and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his
father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and
into the hole he gooooes.”***********
10) SCHOOLA little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just
wasting my time,” she said to her mother .. “I can’t read, I can’t write
and they won’t let me talk!”***********
11) BIBLEA little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages.Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and
looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in
between the pages “Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out. ; ;
“What have you got there, dear?”With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s
Adam’s underwear.”
